Sunday, May. 11, 2003 - 9:11 pm
Now Playing: The Party Of Helicopters "Rising Up Is Hard Work (Let's Just Sit Here)"
I just got the following email from my big sister Catherine. She's not my sister by blood, but she helped raise me during my formative years, and she's been one of the people closest to me for the past 10 years. She has degenerative Disc Disease, and has had 4 syrgeries on her back to try and correct her spine. She's recovering from her latest surgery, and things have taken a pretty horrible turn for the worse.
I try and email her back, but her mailbox is full, so the emails keep bouncing back. And I can't call her because her phone is shut off. I'm going fucking crazy right now. I may never get to speak to her again, and I can't do anything about it. I feel so fucking helpless...
Here's the email:
"I had to go to the hospital on Friday. I woke up with some paralysis in my right chin and lip as if i had had a stroke.
Went to the er . the doc sent me for a ct scan to rule out bleeding in my brain , from stroke, or blood clots which could have been from surgery.
the ct, came out clean, then she thought it was bells palsy, where the facial mucsles just stop working, but it hasn't affectted any other part of my face.
Tomorrow, I go for a MRI on my head to see if I have MS. The part that sucks, a few months ago , Dr. Costa suspected ms when I had some complaints that were typical of ms, but we never did anything.
The rest of Friday night I felt as if my head was going to explode, I gave myself the worst tension headache! Freaking out, NOT knowing really takes it toll.
Nothing has changed, I still have the paralysis. You popped into my head and everyone else near and dear to my heart there.... I thought to myself, should I write everyone a letter??? I really thought if i went to sleep that I wasn't going to wake up.
I can't believe the seriousness of it, and It really took effect on my thoughts... Am I going to end, is this it??? After everything, there's more??? Or is the end upon me?/
I am sooooo scared ryan, now that I have calmed down and I am still here, I can't even call you. I wanted to call wiz and jen tooo....You 3 especially, mean the world to me and I can't imagine giving up on life, I regained the strenght to go on in this life after I came to vegas and soaked up the unique love and friendships.
So at first, of course I thought , that's it! If something bad shows up on the mri, I am going to end it, but that spark of your face and thier's, and everyone else too, lit up in my mind's eye, filling my heart with the desire to live thru what ever hell life is going to shove in my face this time. I keep forgetting that I am a strong person, and honestly, I didn't realize it until I spoke to jen last month and she told me that I was.
So whatever our god with the sick sense of humor has in store for me tomorrow I guess I will find a way to handle. I now have more reason than ever to get back, either way....Life's meaning just keeeps getting shorter by the minute and I won't stand for losing any more time without you.
I don't know what you did for me, my self esteem and self worth, finding out who I was, whatever it was, just know that your friendship and love was the meaning of me!!!! Truely, I still believe that between you , jen and wiz are the reason's why I was able to grasp life differently and I have always held that in my heart . I love you soo much ryan , I wish I could get ahold of wiz, do have his email at work???
I am sending jen a late mother's day card, with some pictures and I have a card for you too sweety; I really don't know what tomorrow will bring, but because of the memories I have of everything in vegas I will find a way to deal with it. I want' to come home soon . I am however going to be there on the first of july, I hope you got the itinerary from south west???
In case you didn't I am there from the 1 to 15. I can't wait to see you.
That's the latest, I just wanted to write and let you know that I am always thinking of you and miah, wiz , jen , shawn, brian, lindsey, first and foremost to keep me going.
I love you very much,and forever!!!!!!
LOVE, Catherinexoxoxoxoxox
ps. I am sorry that is isn't great news , but I need to let you know, just in case I don't wake up . To tell you that I love you, and let everyone else know that they are in my thoughts and heart . This kind of thing that I am headed for kinda makes a person make sure there are no loose ends just in case, It really feels surreal, an odd effect on the heart , a first for me. \
I am sorry and I love you."
I would die if Catherine were to leave me. I'm so scared for her. I've never seen her this frightened, and I'm extremely worried.
I can't stop crying.
I need a fucking drink.
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